T.R.U.S.T.

: belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc.

: an arrangement in which someone’s property or money is legally held or managed by someone else or by an organization for a set period of time

: an organization that results from the creation of a trust

“I think it’s hard to trust because we have experienced so many let downs in our lifetime… independence and self-reliance are often our self-defense mechanisms” these words came out of my mouth in my conversation with a friend this past weekend.  My friend confessed to me that for the first time in her life, she was relying on people to help her out.  She had experienced many difficulties in her life, and it was hard for her to ask people for help or rely on them.  It was hard to let herself trust people, even people in her church community.  As we prayed together, she thanked me for helping “trust” become part of her life again.  It was an amazing feeling to know that I could be trusted.

That evening, I was faced with having to trust someone else… but my heart was riddled with doubt.  To be fair, it’s not because this person couldn’t be trusted… but it was because I had experienced so many let downs in my lifetime.  See, I grew up with the mantra, “if you want something done right, you must do it yourself!”  And that mantra carried over to every aspect of my life… I’ve always hated group projects because I didn’t trust others to pull their weight.  I was okay with failing if I didn’t do the work… but I wasn’t okay failing if it’s because others didn’t do the shared work.

Unfortunately in this thing called life, we often have to journey with other people… and it requires trust.  Honestly, I don’t know how I made it this far with very little trust that I have.  Finally this person said “trust God.”  Ugh… the God-card!  Man, I hate the God-card.  I searched my heart…. and I uttered the words “I’m scared to trust God.”  I actually couldn’t believe I said that out loud!  It’s like this… it’s not that I don’t trust God… I do believe that God ultimately has the best plans… and that He indeed is trustworthy… But the reason why I was scared to trust God is because sometimes God allows us to go through painful valleys before we experience the ultimate joy.  I have experienced my share of painful valleys… and I definitely don’t feel like going through more of them.  Thus, I was reluctant to trust God nor anyone else… I wanted to take control of my own life thinking I could save myself the trouble!  Even as I see these words on my computer screen, I cringe!!!  What am I thinking??? That I have fail-proof plans up my sleeve?  Oh.. please…

Well, the words that came out of my mouth in my conversation with my friend earlier that day pierced my heart like a knife!  I often have the wisdom for someone else… but it’s so difficult to apply that wisdom in my own life… and it occurred to me that when I don’t trust others, I rob the joy of being trusted… and ultimately, I rob myself the joy of experiencing God’s plan of redemption through restored relationships.  Man, what a rebuke…

Every time I close my eyes, I see the word “TRUST.”  I think I’m slowly learning to TRUST…

and yes… I’ve been MIA for a while… I’m slowly getting my life together again… and gather my thoughts together again… hope to jot them down more often from now on…