Hard to Love… Hard to Trust…

TrustDo you have people in your life that are pretty much impossible to love? You keep trying… and trying… and trying… You’ve given a second chance, third chance, fourth chance… so many chances that you forget how many times you actually gave them benefit of the doubt. And you have told yourself that you don’t need their negativity and the stress in your life, and you vow to write them off… except… they’re family and it makes it pretty darn impossible to cut them out of your life!

Yeah, I have few of those in my life. And I truly feel like I’ve done all that I could do to reconcile, to forgive, to apologize, to love… but relationships are two-way street, and it can’t just take effort on my part. I’m not 100% innocent… and I’ve told myself that I can let go of the past… but when I think about it, it comes down to this: TRUST! They’ve broken my trust so many times, that I no longer have faith in them. Every time I’ve given them another chance, I was willing to trust them even against my better judgment… but then, they screw up royally again… and that trust is broken again. Because I no longer have trust in anything they do or say, I find it extremely challenging to love.

I tell myself it’s because they really need love the most and they have a funny way to expressing themselves. I tell myself that Jesus loved a horrible sinner like me thus I need to forgive and love those that have sinned against me. I tell myself that I’m a hypocrite for loving strangers more readily but not my own family members. I tell myself that I’m no better than a murderer if I have such bitter feelings toward them. I tell myself that I need to deny myself and love them regardless. I tell myself that I cannot continue to be a doormat to those that take advantage of me. I tell myself that God must have placed them in my life to teach me patience, forgiveness, and depth of His love. I tell myself I’m a horrible person for not being able to love. I tell myself a lot of things…

And 25 years later, I’m back right where I started. Just when I think I got it figured out… another conversation or incident happens, and I just wanna crawl into a hole and wish them away. I know the right answers… but the right answers don’t change the way I feel. Why is it so hard to love certain people? And how do I learn to love them despite all the trust they’ve broken… despite all the hurts, pain, and tears they’ve caused… How do I learn to trust them again?

Things I Have Learned These Past 3 Months…

It’s been 3 full months since I last blogged… I keep thinking “I have to write about that…” and then life gets busy–super busy!!!  okay… I also get distracted–super distracted!!!

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, contemplating, and analyzing lately… and I thought I needed to re-start writing down my thoughts again… at least for my benefit!  But where do I start?  Hmmm… I thought I’d start with some things I have learned, experienced, felt, and thought in the past 3 months.  These are random thoughts in no particular order.  Some are fun (or funny), some are serious.  Some are shallow, some are deep.  Some are just plain silly…

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  1. Disneyland really is magical!
  2. It’s really hard to lose weight when you love food as much as I do.
  3. I’m ridiculously blessed with some of the most amazing girlfriends in the world!
  4. When there is a good purpose, I don’t mind losing sleep to get things done.
  5. Easter reminded me that it was worth losing sleep to prepare to help people experience Jesus.
  6. Sleep, however, is under-rated!  I really do love sleep.
  7. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak… really weak…  (sigh…)
  8. Kids are more than capable of experiencing Jesus in a personal way!  When I hear stories of kids experiencing Jesus, it puts the biggest smile on my face.
  9. I feel alive when I’m challenged to think of ways to make Jesus real to kids!
  10. I really miss traveling and experiencing new people, place, and food!
  11. I think I may be a bit obsessed with juicing.
  12. I have the most amazing ministry friends in the world that challenges me!
  13. I go to a messy church with messy people… but it’s all good cuz I’m pretty messed up myself.
  14. Consistency is so important in helping toddlers and preschoolers overcome separation anxiety.  But it’s totally possible!
  15. I also feel alive when I get to train, equip, and develop kidmin leaders and volunteers!
  16. Clear communication is soooooooo important!
  17. You can never over-communicate!
  18. Maturity has very little to do with age!  I’ve met more mature 20-year olds than 55-year olds.  Sad but true…
  19. We all have massive baggage… we all need help!
  20. I’m a lot more selfish than I thought I was.  It was kind of traumatizing to come to that realization.
  21. Most Asians aren’t used to a loud, opinionated Asian girl who speaks her mind.  I really do have filter… most of the time…
  22. I really am an introvert…  I’m just good at pretending to be an extrovert.
  23. Why can’t someone figure out how to keep my lashes long without having to use latisse or revitalash every day?
  24. I really wish I could get a massage every week… I think that would contribute to staying healthy and sane!
  25. It really brings me joy when I get to introduce people to my favorite foods!
  26. People are difficult!
  27. It’s really a lot of work to grow in relationships with people… and that’s really what I spend a lot of my time doing… God’s amazing/cruel sense of humor…
  28. I hope to have a sense of humor like God!
  29. I wish I had “delete all and start over” button… I wish it almost every week…
  30. One day, I’ll just wake up and head to the gym instead of thinking “I really should get up and go to the gym.”  I hope that day comes this month!

What a Good God

On this Thanksgiving Day, I’m reminded how awesome God has been to me…

What a good God You’ve been to me
Your goodness and Your grace everyday I’ve seen
And what else can I do
But give my deepest thanks to You
What a good God You’ve been to me

What a faithful God
You’ve been to me
You’ve provided far beyond
Everything I need
So what else can I do
But give my deepest thanks to You
What a faithful God You’ve been to me

What a loving God You’ve been Lord to me
You shed Your blood upon the cross
So I can stand here free
So what else can I do
But give my deepest heartfelt thanks to You

What a faithful God You’ve been
What a loving God You’ve been
What a good God You’ve been to me