Hard to Love… Hard to Trust…

TrustDo you have people in your life that are pretty much impossible to love? You keep trying… and trying… and trying… You’ve given a second chance, third chance, fourth chance… so many chances that you forget how many times you actually gave them benefit of the doubt. And you have told yourself that you don’t need their negativity and the stress in your life, and you vow to write them off… except… they’re family and it makes it pretty darn impossible to cut them out of your life!

Yeah, I have few of those in my life. And I truly feel like I’ve done all that I could do to reconcile, to forgive, to apologize, to love… but relationships are two-way street, and it can’t just take effort on my part. I’m not 100% innocent… and I’ve told myself that I can let go of the past… but when I think about it, it comes down to this: TRUST! They’ve broken my trust so many times, that I no longer have faith in them. Every time I’ve given them another chance, I was willing to trust them even against my better judgment… but then, they screw up royally again… and that trust is broken again. Because I no longer have trust in anything they do or say, I find it extremely challenging to love.

I tell myself it’s because they really need love the most and they have a funny way to expressing themselves. I tell myself that Jesus loved a horrible sinner like me thus I need to forgive and love those that have sinned against me. I tell myself that I’m a hypocrite for loving strangers more readily but not my own family members. I tell myself that I’m no better than a murderer if I have such bitter feelings toward them. I tell myself that I need to deny myself and love them regardless. I tell myself that I cannot continue to be a doormat to those that take advantage of me. I tell myself that God must have placed them in my life to teach me patience, forgiveness, and depth of His love. I tell myself I’m a horrible person for not being able to love. I tell myself a lot of things…

And 25 years later, I’m back right where I started. Just when I think I got it figured out… another conversation or incident happens, and I just wanna crawl into a hole and wish them away. I know the right answers… but the right answers don’t change the way I feel. Why is it so hard to love certain people? And how do I learn to love them despite all the trust they’ve broken… despite all the hurts, pain, and tears they’ve caused… How do I learn to trust them again?

i want my mommy…

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I’ve been under the weather for the past week… and last night, I thought about this question that our staff had discussed couple of months ago.  We all took turns and shared our “sick practices” as a child–pretty much what happened when you got sick as a kid.  Some shared that they still had to go to school even if they were sick.  Others shared that they got to stay home and was taken care of.  One shared that her mom completely babied her, made her comfort food, etc… and even now as an adult, when she gets sick, she wants her mommy.  When I heard that, it sounded so foreign to me.  Those were words I had never uttered as a girl who grew up without a mom.  I don’t ever recall saying or thinking “i want my mommy” because that was not an option for me.

Today marks 32 years since my mom passed away of aneurysm.  As much as I miss her, thoughts of having tangible access to her has always been far-fetched.  I may think about seeing her in heaven… and of course I would think “i wish she was here to see me graduate,” etc… but I have never said or thought “i want my mommy.”

There is something so innocent and vulnerable about those words.  In my mind, I picture a little girl, all curled up on her mom’s lap, and her mom stroking her hair as she say, “Don’t worry.  I’m here.  Everything will be alright.” And the girl looks up with 100% confidence and trust in her mom, and truly believes with all of her heart that everything indeed will be alright no matter how bad things feel.  I will be honest… I don’t ever recall having that moment with anybody in my life… or perhaps I’ve watched one too many feel-good movies in my life time, and maybe that’s not a real-life experience.

However, I’ve lived my life with the hope that all well be alright in this ugly, messed up life and world only because I have hope in Jesus Christ… and that’s the one thing that has me going each and every day.  Of course, I  do believe that 100% perfect confidence and trust can only come from Jesus, my Savior, and imperfect humans will disappoint and fail me.  But I realized that because I’ve taken care of myself for so long and learned not to rely on human beings, I have hard time becoming that little girl who just says “i want my mommy.”  I’ve always felt the need to stay controlled… even in my vulnerability (i know, the irony).  As I learn more about myself, being vulnerable is something I have to work at… it’s definitely not natural.  I’ve been learning lately that I need to become that little girl who finds herself completely and utterly vulnerable not only before God but also before people… and admit that I need to rely on them and trust them.  As I sit here coughing (and I’ve been coughing a lot the last few days), I’m learning to say “i want my mommy” and right now, I think I really want my mommy right here!

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