Everyone faces difficult circumstances and situations. I have been working on surrendering life circumstances that are out of my control to God for the past couple decades… and I thought I was making pretty good progress… until couple weeks ago.
I don’t stress easily. I’m typically not known to be emotional. Yes, I have had my moments of stress and being emotional (and I attribute part of my emotional roller coaster as of late to my medication… really… I’m not kidding! it’s listed as one of side effects!). I’m logical enough to know analyze what is in my control and what isn’t. I’ve learned not to stress over things that’s beyond my control. I’ve learned to turn those situations over to God, seek discernment, do my best to follow God’s leading, and just chill. Theoretically, when I surrender circumstances to God, I’m also suppose to have peace.
Well, couple weeks ago, I had asked God to take control over a certain circumstance in my life… and at the moment, I did feel peace. However, my emotions kept creeping up on me… I felt frustrated, confused, saddened, and even angry. I even found myself crying myself to sleep one night–what in the world??? But I had surrendered this whole situation to God! What’s going on? Why am I being emotional (besides the meds…)? And then I had an epiphany. Is it possible that I hadn’t surrendered all of myself to God regarding this situation? Is it possible that while I’m waiting for God to take care of the situation, I’m holding onto my emotions? To be honest, I don’t even know what this all means… Does it mean I haven’t really even entrusted the situation to God but that I was just fooling myself? Or that I’ve only given partial to God? Or is it normal to hold the emotions to myself while surrendering the situation to God?
I’m still processing all this… and what does it mean to surrender my emotions to God? and do I know that I have fully surrendered my emotions to God by the peace that follows? I’m literally thinking out loud here (and it’s 1 am). I talk to God almost every day and ask Him to take control of the circumstance as well as my emotions… I believe God blessed me with emotions so I can feel… and regardless of the negative emotions, He wants me to respond in God-honoring ways. So what do I do with the confusion, the frustration, the sadness, and anger?
I don’t have the answer here (well, I have the churchy-answer… give it all to God!). But practically speaking, I don’t have the real answer… but in the meantime, all I know is that I have to keep talking to God about it…