Lacking…

This has been a super weird week… I had left my calendar somewhat empty because I’m suppose to be on jury duty… and last time I was called in, it occupied close to 3-weeks of my life… well, now that I have all the time in the world to serve, I have yet to be called in…  I took a look at my May calendar, and honestly I can’t remember the last time it looked this empty.  My May calendar currently consist of birthdays, reminder to pay bills, holidays, and couple dinner plans with friends.  I color-code everything–and May only has 3 colors… wow, when was the last time this happened?  It’s been 3.5 months since I resigned from my church.  Up until this week, I had filled my calendar with various conferences, VBS events, curriculum trainings, business meetings, personal travels, and just fun time… All of a sudden, it’s come to a complete halt… WEIRD…  In fact, I’ve been waking up each day this week thinking “hmmm… after I run my errands I think I’ll go to the beach…”  or “maybe I’ll go to the museum today…”  I’ve never had such empty schedule before.

I’m a do-er… I’ve always been a do-er… so while it’s been nice to have this luxury of time, it also makes me feel really weird.  I have this feel the need to be productive, and that is truly lacking… In fact, I’ve been cooking every meal (I even made dong-chi-mi from scratch… a korean variety of kimchi–cold, watery, & non-spicy stuff).  I’ve been tending to my plants and herbs on my balcony.  I’ve gone out to the beach twice this week just to take in the sun and read.  yes, life is nice… but it’s weird.

And to add to my feeling of being inadequate, I got a rejection letter and phone call to be a bone marrow donor.  While they said they’ll continue to keep me on their donor list, I felt so deflated when they said I wasn’t a perfect match… 😦  One more thing that won’t be going on my calendar–bummer…

Below is an excerpt from a devotional from last week… it seems a lot more appropriate this week (of course I think God’s awesome timing has allowed me to dwell on this before all this crazy emotions hit me!):

When some basic need is lacking –time, energy, money–consider yourself blessed.  This is where you are meant to live–in the present; it is the place where I always await you.  Awareness of your inadequacy is a rich blessing, training you to rely wholeheartedly on Me.  Rejoice in your insufficiency, knowing that My Power is made perfect in weakness.

Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.   (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Having all this time also has allowed me to THINK… THINK A LOT!!!!  This could be good and bad for me… I’ve had a lot more interesting things happen this week, but I’m not ready to share that with whoever reads my blog (it weirds me out that people read what I write… even if they’re my friends…) Although I really started blogging to just spill out my thoughts for myself, I realize that I’ve put it out there to share my random thoughts with even strangers.  And if you’ve read this far, thanks for letting me ramble on… it’s not a very well-thought out blog, but just diarrhea of the mouth…

And since I’ve been THINKING A LOT (about all sorts of things) I’m sure I’ll be writing a lot more this week…